Gwenyth Paltrow Writes a Story
Sophie Gillet
Gwenyth Paltrow sits at her desk after a full three days of being sick. She is about to write a revolutionary article for her blog. During these treacherous hours, Gwenyth has not been able to ‘eat clean.’ She even took a Tylenol. No need for that hefty spoonful of Manuka Honey tonight!
At first she is ashamed, but Gwenyth works through her self-deprecation to uncover a new, more exciting feeling: pride. She is just as frail and weak-willed as all of the other, lesser humans who rely on big pharma! This makes Gwenyth relatable! She realizes that not even the jade ball in her specialplace can save her from her sad, fragile human state. And as we all know, misery adds great worth to the soul of a person, which is why it must be flaunted and written about whenever possible.
And Gwenyth certainly does write. She begins a passage about her life-changing experience after taking the Tylenol–the one in which she realizes she is a person like the rest of us. IT’S OKAY! Her head is throbbing. IT’S OKAY NOT TO EAT CLEAN SOMETIMES. ALLOW YOURSELF TO EAT BREAD, SOMETIMES. Her fingers are shaking and her temples are pulsing. yes. She whispers to herself, her coconut oil spittle falling onto her white linen shirt. yes, this is transformative. yes, this will change the world. Gwenyth’s face slowly begins to change. She is turning into John Keats. Her epiphany has allowed her to achieve a deeper understanding of life. John Keats types, deeply and poetically.
IT’SOKAYTOHAVEATYLENOLATYLENOLTHATSBLUEBLUEBLUELIKEANORCHIDINTHESUNLIKETHEWINDWHENIFEELITSTENDERMELANCHOLYINTHEMOSTINTIMATEHOURSOFTHENIGHTSOBLUE–
Suddenly, John Keats stops typing because Gwenyth’s Rich Plastic Shaman has arrived. The Rich Plastic Shaman enters the room and sees John Keats.
GWENYTH! WHAT IS GOING ON GWYNETH! YOU DON’T LOOK LIKE YOU’RE LIVING A HIGH VIBE LIFE GWENYTH! YOU DON’T LOOK LIKE YOURSELF AT ALL! LET’S GET THOSE SILLY THOUGHTS OUT OF YOUR HEAD! OH YES, YOU ARE SO TORTURED GWENYTH! YOU ARE MORE TORTURED THAN ANY OTHER HUMAN, AND THAT’S WHY YOU’RE SPECIAL! YOU DESERVE TO RELAX! YOU DESERVE TO CLEAR YOUR HEAD OF ALL OF THESE NASTY LITTLE HUMAN THOUGHTS! YOU OWE IT TO YOUR SOUL! TO YOUR SPIRIT GUIDES! TO YOUR CELESTIAL–
John Keats screams and withers into dust. Gwenyth is reborn from the ashes.
YOU’RE SO RIGHT. OH MY DEAR PLASTIC SHAMAN, YOU’RE SO RIGHT. I WAS FALLING INTO A TRAP. I WAS NOT LIVING A HIGH VIBE LIFE. I WAS LETTING MY HUMAN SELF INTERFERE WITH MY WELLNESS. I WAS NOT FLOATING ABOVE ALL PEOPLE, LIKE A BEAUTIFUL ANGEL. PLEASE TAKE THIS MONEY. TAKE ALL OF THIS MONEY SO THAT YOU CAN KEEP TEACHING ME HOW TO BE BETTER. LOOKING AT THE SCUM DOWN BELOW. I’LL NEVER TAKE A TYLENOL AGAIN. I’LL NEVER EAT BREAD AGAIN. I’LL SMOKE MY WEEKLY CIGARETTE, BUT THAT’S IT. OH, RICH PLASTIC SHAMAN, YOU ARE SO WISE. THANK YOU FOR NOT LETTING ME FALL INTO THE TRAP OF MY OWN DISGUSTING HUMANITY. THANK YOU FOR WIPING ME CLEAN OF EVERYTHING THAT COULD POSSIBLY AFFECT ME.
Sophie is a writer and performer currently based in Los Angeles. To get in touch, email marasgilletsophie@gmail.com.